I am skipping An American Werewolf in London for right now because my little sister would like to watch the end with me. I’ll come back to it later.
Now for 5ive Girls. The IMDB plot summary for this is:
Five wayward teenage girls are sent to a reformatory and discover they possess unique powers to battle the ancient demon, Legion, which holds thrall over the sinister institution.
That is essentially the cocktail recipe for making a movie that I am sure to love. One part demon, one part Catholic school, five parts sleaze, presto! The perfect film. And just look at that poster! Sexy schoolgirls in front of a pentagram. Impossible to screw up, right?
The movie starts off with a pretty awesome scene in which a really pious girl at a Catholic boarding school is doing a bizarre drawing of demons and writing in Aramaic and Latin. Ron Perlman is her Latin teacher, and he thinks her work is so good, so he is totally going to give her an A, although he is a little concerned that she is so focused on passages about demons smashing stuff and pigs jumping off of cliffs.
"Good work, this stupid demon drawing definitely demonstrates to me that you are ready for college-level study."
Unfortunately, as soon as he leaves the room, the door slams shut, a crucifix flies off of the wall, and a demon tries to enter her, but instead she disappears and there is a pool of blood left. Uh oh!
The school closes because of that, and five years later it is being reopened as a school for wayward girls. This school only has one teacher (Ron Perlman), and he only teaches one class (Latin), and the rest of the time they are supposed to scrub floors and pray. I somehow doubt this school is accredited. There is also a mean headmistress who is really proper and seemingly the same age as all of the wayward girls, so she has to do things like strip search them in order to show that she is mean and strict.
"This strip search isn't so bad, because luckily we are all attractive young women and we all wore matching underwear today, because that is the reality of womanhood."
She also takes blood and urine samples for nefarious purposes, but we’ll get to that later, as if you don’t already know that they will be used in a satanic ritual.
Our hero, a girl with blond hair (it is unnecessary to learn everyone’s names because they all have Quirky Traits so that we can tell them apart), is dropped off by her dad who is a dick and an incredibly poor actor. That is one of the biggest issues with this film – the production values are actually really good for a low-budget film, so the bad acting and poor dialogue are just jarring and make you uncomfortable and bored rather than making you laugh. Anyway, she doesn’t have any personality flaws and is pretty and kind and has special powers. BO-RING.
"Wahhh, please don't drop me at this unaccredited fake school of Satan, it might be a character-building experience and I might have to develop a personality!"
Luckily the other ones are a little more interesting.
This girl is gay and has a Bad Attitude. You can tell because she wears a tank top instead of a bra, smuggles pain meds into the school by hiding them in her butt (don’t worry, the headmistress found them), has a knife/brass knuckles thing (it is a knife that has brass knuckles built onto the hilt, I don’t know enough about weaponry to know if there is a name for this), and says snarky things to everyone. Also she can heal people with her hand.
I like girls.
There is also a girl who can walk through walls, a girl who is blind but can read tarot cards with her “second sight” (sort of a lame power), and a girl who is a Wiccan and an anarchist even though she doesn’t know what either of those things mean. She does read out of a book with a huge pentagram on it, and has a amulet of protection. Her power is that she is a conduit for spirits.
Have you noticed anything unusual? These girls all have powers! If I wrote this movie, the next half hour would be spent in a montage of them playing funny practical jokes on each other utilizing their paranormal talents, running down the halls really fast, and maybe having a pillow fight or two. That’s not what happens, though.
Instead they figure out that Miss Pierce (the evil headmistress – you do learn her name because she says it 500 times and makes other people say it a lot too) is trying to sacrifice them, and they find a huge pentagram on the third floor, and then they all get possessed one by one, until only the badass and the blond girl are left. They draw two magic circles on the floor so that the demons can’t get them and then they kiss.
Just chillin' in the magic circle, hiding from demons, you know how it is.
The demon does possess the blind girl though and she outsmarts them by bleeding on the circle because that apparently nullifies any magic power that the circle has, and then they run around a lot and the girl who is not blond gets possessed too. Apparently that girl at the beginning was too pure to get possessed so Legion took her into hell, kind of like the Satanic version of the Assumption of Mary (yeah, I went to 11 years of Catholic school, what of it?), and Miss Pierce is actually her sister so she had to sacrifice these girls in order to get her back! It’s because these girls “weren’t wanted!” Or they had special powers! Wait, why did Legion require girls with special powers? There is conflicting information in this film, but maybe it doesn’t matter.
Luckily the blond girl pushes the demon out of the other girl with her telekinetic power, so this happens:
This is Legion being pushed out of the girl
And then Legion has to run around a lot, and it runs into Miss Pierce. The girl from the beginning gets to come back to the earthly plane, and Miss Pierce gets a crucifix shoved up her mouth and through the back of her head.
What the post should prove to you is that Hollywood studios should hire me, because I just wrote about how lame I thought that movie was, and still made it look about 10 times more interesting than it was. Even reading what I wrote above and looking at those screencaps makes me kind of want to watch that movie again, even though I know it is terrible and boring.
Miss Pierce when she takes off that pencil skirt, lets down that bun, and gets to conjuring.
I glossed over it above, but really, Miss Pierce was the worst actress in the entire world. She is the kind of woman who would play a Satanist in a Lifetime movie about idyllic towns in which children are secretly being indoctrinated by evil cults, if there is a movie about that (I bet there is).
Ron Perlman is supposedly the star of this movie (the poster says so), but he was really pretty irrelevant.
Production values: 6/10
Anne rating: 4.25/10
Also, here is what Legion looks like when not possessing someone:
I know its not very clear, but he is a bloody skeleton.